


I May Have Adopted These Kids, But I Did Not Sign Up For This

by najio



Category: RWBY
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, It's not the half he expected, Mentions of birth control, Periods, Present Tense, Qrow suddenly realizing only half these teenagers know what an IUD is, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, all those awkward health class things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27442717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/najio/pseuds/najio
Summary: A conversation goes horribly wrong, and Qrow ends up in the middle of an impromptu sex-ed crash course.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 117





	I May Have Adopted These Kids, But I Did Not Sign Up For This

It's Yang's fault.

Actually, the disaster is one of those many-faceted things, with a lot of people making little mistakes that snowball into something unspeakable. But Yang's the one who got it rolling, so Qrow's going to go ahead and blame her.

He doesn't even get to hear the joke. All he knows is that when he walks in, Blake and Weiss are both bright red, Ruby is hiding a giggle, _badly,_ and Jaune's team and Oscar are all twisting around to stare.

"Yang! Not in front of the farm baby!" Nora says indignantly, and tries to cover Oscar's ears.

He ducks out of the way. "What are you talking about?"

Qrow's entire life flashes before his eyes. He managed to dodge it with Yang, and then again with Ruby... but it's over. This is the end.

"I live on a farm. I've delivered lambs! I know all that stuff."

He flops backwards onto the couch. Thank the _gods._

And maybe, _just maybe_ it would have been okay. If Weiss didn't open her mouth to say, "Are you sure? I'm under the impression that knowing the biological side of things is... less than sufficient."

Blake's ears go back, and she leans over to whisper something and prevent the cataclysm—but it's much too late.

"Yeah!" Ruby jabs a finger into the air. "Do you know about the third nipple?"

Qrow stares at her. Weiss and Blake stare at her. Oscar and Jaune and Ren and Nora _stare at her._ And Yang? Yang cackles.

He slumps forward and lets his head crack against the coffee table. "What the fuck, Ruby."

"What?" She looks around, genuinely confused, like this is something they're all supposed to understand immediately. "People get embarrassed about having one, but there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's like one in three!"

"It is _not_ that common," Weiss says. She doesn't sound entirely confident in this answer.

Blake's expression goes from bemusement to concern. Like she's starting to doubt her own certainty.

Yang keeps laughing.

"I have no idea how often that happens." Qrow can feel the beginnings of a headache, worsening with every word. "But I'm pretty goddamn sure it's not one in three. Why would you even—"

He stops. Turns to Yang. Who is _still. Laughing._

"Six years," she chokes out. "I've been waiting _six years_ for this payoff!"

"Wha—Yang!" Ruby slaps her shoulder. "Why?!"

"Why else? _Revenge."_

Everyone's staring at her now, which at least seems to take some of the pressure off Ruby. Yang rolls her eyes and jabs her thumb towards Qrow. "He made me explain it, okay? I had to get back at him somehow."

"I _made_ you explain it? You could've just let Tai do it!"

Yang stares at him in horror. "You think I'd subject my baby sister to that? It's a noble art and all, but there's a time and a place for puns and it's everywhere _except_ the talk."

Qrow slumps back against the couch with his arm over his eyes. "Fucking hell, Firecracker."

Jaune clears his throat awkwardly. "Okay, um... I get why Ruby believed that, but..."

Weiss flushes bright red and snaps, "I know the biology! I just... look, how would _you_ handle being the tutor who has to explain sex to Jacques Schnee's daughter?"

A slow, creeping dread starts in the pit of Qrow's stomach.

Blake groans and puts a hand to her face. "I didn't get the talk, I just kind of... pieced things together from books." Yang snickers again, and she elbows her in the side to get her to stop.

"Yeah, same," Nora says cheerfully. "Me and Ren had to figure stuff out on our own."

There's a long, pregnant pause, before Ren heaves a long-suffering sigh. "She means puberty."

Weiss slumps. "Oh, thank god." Then her eyes go wide, like something horrible just dawned on her. "Wait, do you mean..."

"Yep! We were _freaking out_ before this nice lady at a clinic explained what was going on."

Qrow cringes and shoots a sympathetic look Nora's way. He and Raven had eventually gotten into a routine that worked—namely, he got the hell out of dodge and came back with something sweet, and she let him live another day. But it had been pretty brutal before that, and the thought of handling it all without older Branwens around to explain things?

Well. And Summer and Tai to tell them about kingdoms stuff like chromosomes, and birth control, and how consent is a little more complicated than knifing anyone who gets too handsy.

Ren hums. "It was... unpleasant. We'd just fought a pack of Beowolves, so we were worried I'd ruptured something."

Qrow's brow furrows, and he squints at the pair of them. "Am I missing something obvious?"

Ren blinks at him. Then his expression clears and he turns to Nora. "Did we forget to tell him?"

"Oh. _Oh!_ Oops." She grins sheepishly at him. "We're trans."

And yeah, that should maybe have been the first explanation Qrow thought of, but in his defense this conversation has been throwing him a lot of curveballs.

"Right," he says, and eyes the rest of the room. His gaze zeroes in on a pair of guileless blue eyes. "Kid. Please tell me you had the talk."

"Huh?" Jaune jumps when everyone looks at him. "Oh, yeah! Totally! I mean, school taught us all about condoms and diaphragms and IUDs and stuff, plus I have seven sisters, so..."

Qrow lets out all his breath at once and puts his head in his hands. "Five of you haven't got a clue, then."

"Hey!" Yang blurts. "I taught Ruby everything right! I just added something harmless and funny, I didn't want her missing important stuff!"

Ruby makes a face at her. Yang makes a face right back.

"Alright. Guess I only have to deal with half of you."

Weiss and Blake sit bolt upright and start protesting at the same time.

"I know what condoms are!" Weiss insists. "And that's more than enough, really—!"

"The books only exaggerate a little, you don't have to—!"

Yang, helpful and supportive niece that she is, starts laughing again.

Qrow rubs his temples. How's he supposed to— _ah._ He finally relaxes. "How 'bout this. Each of you think of a question you want answered. It can be any question. Nobody's allowed to laugh, even if it's weird or obvious. Got it?"

Reluctant nods all round. A terrifyingly enthusiastic nod from Nora. Qrow waits for several long moments while they gather their thoughts. One by one, they raise their hands.

"Great." Qrow points at the door. "Go ask Maria."

**Author's Note:**

> did i do it? is this a shitpost?


End file.
